Google Land - Not the happiest place on earth!!!!

I'm not sure if it's chic to still bash Microsoft. They got the whole charity thing going and then out pops VISTA with 47,638 more reasons to bash the Redmond, WA giant right on it's bloated code nose.

I do know however that it is chic and hip to bad mouth Google. I actually have a legitimate complaint. A personal issue. It's too bad too, becuase I was so looking forward to a life of Liberty, Justice and Google for all. I think personally that Google is pissing off the world one person at a time.

My gripe is from a recent series of emails to and from the Ad Creation MArketplace and the Ad Creation Team. Now I know that Google is buying up businesses faster than Rosey O'Donnell can eat Moon Pies, so I can only assume that somebody was, let's say, telemarketing aluminum siding 6 months ago and I was a litttle rude to them. Okay, very rude. Now that person is some V.P. of something at Google and recognized my name and this is retribution. Or maybe it got back to Google that I thought most of their workers were barely qualified to deliver pizza. Whatever.

I got invited as an "audio specialist" to be one of the elite 7 or 8 million preferred Google Ad Specialists. I filled out their form and after 6 weeks got sent this email which contained the following:

Dear Google Ad Creation Marketplace Applicant,

Thank you for submitting your application to the Google Ad Creation Marketplace. We have reviewed your application and ask that you submit a sample ad as the final step in the application process. We will use this sample ad to determine your qualification for the Ad Creation Marketplace.

I studied every inch of this carefully and went to their website and followed the instructions to the letter. I asked a couple of mightier than me creatives to help me out and make sure I didn't screw up.

I sent my email back to them along with sample ad.

A brisk 7 weeks later I got this reply:

Hello JS,

Thank you for submitting a sample Google Checkout ad for the Google Ad Creation Marketplace. Unfortunately, we aren't able to accept your application at this time.

The Google Ad Creation Marketplace maintains a standard qualification process to ensure a consistent user experience for our advertisers. Upon reviewing your application, we've determined that your services are not a fit for the project. We apologize for any inconvenience.

We will keep your information on file so we may contact you in case your services match future offerings of the Google Ad Creation Marketplace.

Thank you again for your interest.

Sincerely,

The Google Ad Creation Marketplace Team

Hmmmm, I thought I had a chance of being Google employee of the month and I get this. Well, I certainly had no intention of making this mistake again. I was frightened. What had I done wrong? Apparently it was so bad as not to bear citing in this email. So I contacted someone I actually know who works at Google in or near or around this division to see if I could get clarification. After much cajoling, I got this response via her from the Ad Creation Team:

"We don't doubt his expertise w/ radio production in general, but we're looking for a specific skill set (one that can work well with newbie advertisers who know nothing of radio) and we didn't feel that he was a fit at this time. We apologize for the amount of time that he spent on the application. We realize it's quite a substantial effort, but requiring a sample ad is the only fair way to assess potential vendors."

Aha I thought "They never got my sample ad!" I received an email a few minutes ago, It was confirmed that they did receive my sample ad. I also checked to make sure I didn't include any long historical references on radio or my 8 point checklist "Radio and You - Things You Should Know". Nope just a fairly standard application.

So apparently the entire Google Ad Creation Marketplace Team in unison sent me this email to clarify things. I'm clear on only one thing, nobody from Google is ever getting me to buy a drink for them.

I'm not sure if I'm more insulted or if all you potential Google Ad users should be more insulted about being categorized as Newbies.

Now, I will tell you that many of the companies and people I work with don't have extensive experience in advertising, production, copywriting, etc. I believe that's why they seek out professionals like me.

If any lawyers out there are reading this, think I got some kind of case here? In any case, the name Google shall not be uttered again in my household. I shall shun Google and it's Google nation. When the war for ultimate control comes down between Google and China, I will gladly join my brethren and rise up against the Google machine.

This is of course unless Google wants to just buy me out for 6.3 million, in which case I'll throw in my grandma's chili recipe on top of the deal.

Unfortunately, Google clearly states that I can't use the ad I created for any purpose, so I can't even put it up here to have you tell me just how bad it really was. I am thinking that Google might be right and all of the awards on my wall are some fluke. Perhaps I could look at a career telemarketing aluminum siding.

So unless you want to see Google win and the world become a miserable den of aluminum sided homes, please hire me.