Please don't hire Jack Goldenberg to work miracles at your agency.

Well, Jack Goldenberg is out of Bristol-Myers after two years of blowing the doors off the numbers for cancer drugs, wound-healing gels and who-knows what else. (See below for the real story.)

Jack, darlin', I figure you'd think it's a good idea if I remind all our Gabber friends why it's imperative we get you back in a big agency pronto. Or leading the creative efforts in-house at a corporation.

And you would be the perfect person to double the size of a small agency - or save that huge account at a big one - or keep the wolf from the door at a shop of any size that needs a breath of creative fresh air.

I know the little kids of America aren't quite as attached to their Happy Meals when you're out here with us independents.

(Hey, Gabbers -- did you know Jack helped invent the Happy Meal? Fought tooth and nail for the idea that it had to be in a box, not a bag, so it would really have trophy value? Do you think every kid in America would emerge from the womb screaming for Mickey D's if the first Happy Meals had come in a bag - and NOT tied in to major Hollywood entertainment properties?

C'mon. We've all given birth since Jack won those battles for our kids. We know that if the newborn doesn't say McDonald's, the Apgar score of viability goes down by one and they question our ability to nurse properly.)

I know that wounds don't heal as fast, and cancer gets much harder to cure.

(How many other creatives do you know, who, after getting the mandatory Bristol-Myers boot at two years, had his coworkers START A RIOT to get him back for three months - so his copy and concepts could continue to save lives in print, online and at budget meetings? None! Course, why they didn't take him off the freelance rolls and grab him permanently is beyond me . . . also why they have that rule that no freelancer can stay more than two years . . . Isn't that like saying you have to trash your best machine on the production line and replace it with a pile of . . . Oh, never mind.)

I know that toddlers won't sleep as well, because they won't have made a lovey out of the next great doll or animal everyone HAS to have next holiday season.

(If you're among the younger set of this group, you may remember your parents frantically searching the stores for that Cabbage Patch Kids doll you just had to have, or your childhood would be ruined forever.

Yup . . . Jack again.

He launched it. Made you think it wasn't just a doll; it was your CHILD. Your folks weren't just buying it for you, they were helping you ADOPT it, so you would love it and cherish it forever - or at least until you discovered the New Kids On the Block.

Now, maybe you're a little more mature, shall we say. You might have been one of those parents - banging on the door of Toys R Us at midnight the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. No, I know you didn't wait until Christmas Eve, any more than I waited until then to look for a Wii. Just like the Wii, Cabbage Patch Kids were sold out at Halloween. Please forgive Jack. He knew not what he wrought. Until, I guess, he started running into friends who were parents. That must have been . . . interesting . . .)

So, yes, Jack wants to be back in an agency. America's consumers need him back in an agency. America's patients need him back in a healthcare agency, or in-house.

But do the entrepreneurs and startups of the world really want him in an agency, locked away from us 50-60 hours a week?

I'm not sure I like the sound of that at all.

Let's remember, folks. Even if they let him check his personal email and Facebook during the day, they're going to keep him busy. Too busy for us. He's going to be turning out award-winning campaign after award-winning campaign - single-handedly reviving agencies that would otherwise be at death's door - winning business they thought they'd lost . . .

OMG.

What if they send Jack to Detroit, and he pulls Chrysler out of bankruptcy?

True, he could save 3 million jobs, and make us all want to drive American again. He could create a promotion that has nothing to do with rebates - even inspire GM management to design pretty cars that run.

But what if I need his advice on a proposal? What if you need Jack to help with a business plan? Can we give Jack up that fast?

Sorry, Jack. I'm just too selfish to do the right thing here.

So I must recommend that if you've got a senior-level creative position open, please don't give it to jack. (Unless he can carve out a little time for his entrepreneur friends . . .)