'Don't Know if Y'all Noticed, but Santa's a Little Bit of a Fat-A** Motherf*cker.'

After knocking a few drinks back, a svelte and shit-faced Mrs. Claus powers up the video cam and asks the kiddies around the world for a few friendly favors.

One of them: forego the mantlepiece cookies for a rice cake this year. "Sometimes when mama wants some sugar, she wants to be able to find the cane! -- if you know what I mean."

Yes, Mrs. Claus, we do.

The video left us with the sense that we were watching a kinky Britney Spears home video pre-dating her last divorce. Or maybe the last episode of Cribs featuring Russell and Kimora Simmons, where in a moment of passive-aggression she reveals to the cameramen that Russell leaves piss all over the ebony toilet seat.

This moment of marital -- and holiday -- disillusionment is brought to you by Virgin Mobile, which is already sliding down Hell-in-Handbasket Ln. for using Spitzer and Clinton's love-and-marriage issues to push its handset agenda.

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