DZ Nuts Turned David Zabriskie's Tights into Freedomware -- "Captain America"

Cyclists have it hard down under. All those hours pushing pedals literally chafes balls, which is funny from a distance but sobering enough that the condition requires an anti-irritant, aptly called "chamois cream."

To contribute to the well-being of fellow bikers, pro cyclist David Zabriskie developed DZ Nuts -- pronounced "deez nuts," a colloquial expression defined as "The large, sweaty, hairy dangling spheres of man-hood containing future illegitimate seeds that swing violently in the wind when slapped."

Unlike its nausea-inducing inspiration, DZ Nuts chamois cream is "natural, anti-fungal, anti-bacterial, anti-inflammatory and wound healing," the Guerrilla Marketing blog dutifully writes. And under the slogan "protect your junk," Zabriskie's committed to promoting the product himself.

We proudly give you "The Fireplace," the crowning glory in a long illustrious career. Diggin' how censors save us from a potentially traumatizing crotch shot by using the phallic DZ Nuts bike seat logo. Highlarious.

Want more? More here. Also see Zabriskie bond over some superhero life-saving shit with Captain America.